How to Be a Stronger Listener and Elevate Your Connection With Others
Listening is essential to strong communication. We know this. And yet so many of us don’t actively work on our listening skills like we do on our verbal communication skills.
In reality, listening is an equally (if not more) important piece of the communication puzzle. When you’re an active listener and are able to effectively understand the other person, ask questions, be interested instead of interesting – you’re well on your way to a successful life and career.
In this blog post I’m going to cover exactly why listening is so important in communication, what listening is and what it is not, the distinction between being interested vs. interesting, and three practical and easy exercises you can start practicing today to elevate your listening skills.
Let’s dive in.
Why listening is so important in communication
You might be thinking, “Okay, I know listening is important, and being a strong communicator and getting my message across effectively has to be more important, right?”
Wrong.
You see, without developed listening skills, the verbal part of communication doesn’t really matter. Effective communication requires connection between two or more people. And without active listening skills, you risk the message getting lost entirely (1).
As you know if you’ve been following Connect To The Core for a while, we coach people on their communication and public speaking skills through platforms like Encore Communication Coaching. And through that live one-on-one coaching, we always place an emphasis on the importance of listening and how to develop those skills. We also post about it like it’s nobody’s business over on our Instagram, LinkedIn, and Facebook. And for good reason – because it really matters!
Not only do we talk a lot about listening, we also offer a self-paced course called Bravo Presentation Coaching that has an entire lesson dedicated to becoming the best listener possible. Click here to learn more.
Now, what are some specific reasons that listening is so important to communication? (2) Below is a non-exhaustive list that gives you an idea.
- Listening builds trust
When someone feels heard, they get more comfortable allowing them to open up.
- Listening reduces misunderstandings
It’s easy to misinterpret someone when you’re not really listening. Listening actively reduces the number of times someone is misunderstood which leads to less conflict.
- Listening improves your leadership skills
Want to be a strong leader? Then listening is essential. It will help team members feel seen, heard, and respected – leading to more respect towards you.
- Listening encourages empathy
As humans, we have natural biases that stem from our upbringing and experiences. When we truly listen to other people without judgment or assumption, this fosters a more understanding environment for all.
- Listening increases productivity
The less that we have to repeat ourselves, the better. Am I right? By having fewer misunderstandings using active listening skills, productivity and efficiency levels will automatically increase.
What listening is and what it isn’t
Next up, what listening is and what it is NOT.
How many times have you been in a situation where you’re talking to someone who “appears” to be listening on the surface, and you can tell is completely checked out of the conversation? Or maybe you find yourself on the other end of that situation more times than you’d care to admit. Hey, no judgment, we’ve all been on both sides of that coin at one point or another, myself included.
There’s a big difference between hearing and listening. You can be checked out of a conversation and still hear everything someone said to you, and it doesn't mean that you were listening.
As humans, we’re smart. We can tell when someone is actively listening to us and when they’re not. You know how frustrating it is when you have something really exciting or important to say and you aren’t being heard by the other person. Not only does this not create any connection, it actively works against any connection that was about to be had. It’s disheartening and doesn’t make anyone feel good.
Listening is also NOT thinking about your response as the other person is talking to you. A common “fear” that I hear is that of the silence that occurs when you haven’t thought through what you’re going to say next. And it’s through that small pause that we’re able to absorb what the other person has said and respond having truly listened to them.
If you find that you have trouble staying actively engaged in communication, I highly recommend sticking around to learn my tried-and-true exercises for elevating your listening skills at the end of this post.
Alternatively, share this post with someone you think could use the reminder.
So, now that we know the distinction between listening and hearing (aka what listening isn’t) let’s talk about a common mistake I see in communicators.
Are you focused on being interested or being interesting?
A huge component of effective listening is making the distinction between being interested and interesting. If you haven’t guessed already – the primary is what will ultimately elevate your listening skills and connection with others.
When we’re interested in the other person and what they have to say, our listening skills automatically improve. We’re able to ask questions, make eye contact, and give them our full undivided attention.
When our main objective is to be interesting, we’re in our own heads. We’re thinking about what would make us seem cooler, rather than the value we can bring to the other person.
Next time you’re in conversation, ask yourself the question: am I focused on being interested or interesting? If your answer is the first one, you’re on your way to a strong connection, my friend.
Easy exercises that will make you a better listener
Last and certainly not least, let’s go through some exercises you can start doing today that will expedite your listening skill development.
- Set a timer for five minutes every day. Sit in silence and simply listen to all the sounds you can hear.
This is one of my favorite exercises that I practice regularly because of how peaceful it is. All it requires is your ears and setting of your choice. This could be in your bedroom, your basement, outdoors – anywhere will work.
You can even make a game out of it – how many different sounds can you hear? Which ones haven’t you heard before?
Doing this regularly will get you in the habit of paying attention to things outside of your head.
- Mirror the other person in your next conversation.
Mirroring someone in the context of communication means matching your vocal tone to theirs, your body language to theirs, and using similar words to them.
I find mirroring to be a fascinating element of neuro-linguistic programming (3). When it’s done effectively, it nonverbally communicates to the other person that you’re alike – which leads to a stronger connection.
For more information on the science behind mirroring and more in-depth examples, check out this article (4).
- Clarify things that you don’t understand.
When you’re in conversation with someone and something they say isn’t clear – ask! Sounds obvious, right?
When we ask questions that genuinely help us understand where the other person is coming from, this helps us be more interested, and will lead to, you guessed it – stronger connection.
These are three exercises that you can do anytime and are what I recommend to all of my clients and Encore Communication Coaching students to further develop their listening skills.
Let me know if you try them out!
Conclusion
There you have it. You now know why listening is so important in communication, what listening is and what it is not, the distinction between being interested and being interesting, and three super easy exercises that you can start practicing today to elevate your listening skills.
They say that knowledge speaks, and wisdom listens. As a communication coach, I’ve never known anything to be more true.
Bottom line – the more you listen, the better communicator you’re going to be.
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